Beautiful Illusions Read online

  Her bag was no doubt worth more than my car.

  Ryan stood in his spot, as if he couldn’t move. He wasn’t looking at the woman, but it was if he was trying not to.

  The woman was now about three feet away. “Hello, Ryan.” I looked closer at her face. She looked so familiar…Then it struck me. She was the woman in the picture with Ryan! Makes sense.

  “Alexis,” Ryan said calmly. So this is the infamous Alexis. Why doesn’t Ryan look upset to see her?

  She turned her attention to me. “And who is this?” She looked amused. I could tell that there was no way that she would have imagined that I was his date.

  Ryan put his arm around my shoulders. “This is Iris. Iris, this is my ex-wife, Alexis.”

  I held out my hand to shake hers. She ignored it. She raised one eyebrow, looking at Ryan. “Your date?” Her expression was one of amusement mixed with disgust.

  If this is the kind of woman he likes, what the hell is he doing with me?

  “Yes, my date.” He turned to me. “Would you excuse me for a second?” I nodded. He looked at Alexis. “Let’s go over here and talk for a second.”

  I stayed, rooted, holding the dogs’ leash and wondering what to do. My instinct was no longer that I should run. At the same time, like the fateful morning that I heard him yelling at Alexis over the phone, I was not looking forward to being around him after this. Not that he had ever been cruel or angry with me, and he had never once taken his issues out on me, and I hoped that he wouldn’t. But I have been with too many guys who are difficult to be around when things are going wrong in their lives. Once again, I questioned the wisdom of getting involved with somebody who apparently was still raw from an earlier hurt.

  I watched Ryan and Alexis, because they were within viewing distance. I tried to make out what they were saying. I heard Alexis yell “I’m sorry, but you’re not exactly taking my calls.” Ryan was talking in a low voice, so I couldn’t make out what he was saying. Alexis apparently was not above making a scene. “You know what I want. I want you. But if I can’t have you, I want the Cezanne.” Again with the Cezanne. How come I haven’t seen this painting?

  I sat back down on the ground. The blanket was wrapped up and in my arms, and I didn’t feel like laying down the blanket, so I just sat on the grass. People were everywhere, talking, wrapping up their stuff, walking towards the exit. Kids were blowing bubbles. Babies were crying. Dogs were running about on their leash. It was a festive atmosphere, and it was a great evening up until now.

  I felt sick to my stomach.

  I heard Alexis say “Well, maybe I should tell your new little girlfriend about this, what do you say about that?” At that, he looked back at me, worried. I instinctively looked away. I heard her say the word “Nick” and the word “Benjamin.” I narrowed my eyes. Isn’t his father’s name Benjamin? She knows about Nick? It seemed that Alexis was going to tell me things that Ryan was afraid to, because it seemed that there was no reasoning with this woman. She had ammunition, and she was going to use it.

  Now he was trying to placate her. I couldn’t make out anything that he was saying, but he was putting his hands on her shoulder in a conciliatory gesture. He definitely did not appear to be angry with her. Then I saw her start to cry, and he put his arms around her. “I miss you, I love you,” I heard her say more than once. How is he going to get out of this? Is he going to get out of this? I could imagine his dilemma. If he broke away from her and left her where she stood, she would raise hell and rat him out to me. But he can’t really stay there with her, either. Maybe I should make this easier for him. But how? This relationship was getting trickier and trickier to navigate. Remembering that I made the exact wrong move last time by bolting, I decided just to stay put for now.

  I also unmistakably heard the word “Mia,” uttered by Alexis. She is grieving her child, and so is he. They went through something unimaginable together. I could never begin to fathom what they are both going through. Now she was really sobbing. They had been talking for about 20 minutes, and the park was increasingly emptying.

  It wouldn’t be long until we were kicked out.

  I sighed. We were certainly off to a rocky start, although the highs with this guy had certainly been worth it. I was impressed, however, with how he was handling this situation. Here was a woman who was on a roller coaster of emotions, going from yelling to crying, and he was not losing his cool at all. It was quite a bit different from the first time, when I heard him yelling on the phone with her.

  I caught him looking back at me, his face clearly saying “Help!” I stayed rooted where I was, though. I figured that he would come to me when he is ready to. It was not my place to interrupt.

  Now he was finally coming towards me, Alexis in tow. Was she there all alone? “Uh, Iris, uh, I need to take Alexis home. I hope you don’t mind if she comes with us in the car.”

  I didn’t protest. I simply nodded my head.

  He looked grateful. “Thank you so much for understanding.” Glancing over at Alexis, Ryan said “Alexis apparently came here by cab.”

  Yeah, of course she came here by cab. She knew that you would have to drive her home. I looked at Alexis. She looked devious. I wondered how she knew where we were. I also felt that it was presumptuous that Ryan believed that my acquiescence was equivalent to understanding. I simply didn’t protest. I really didn’t understand.

  The three of us made our way to the Escalade, the dogs being hauled by me on leashes. Ryan made no attempt to hold my hand, of course. He barely even walked with me. Alexis was walking very close to him, trying to cling on to his arm, but I could tell that he wasn’t having it. I could just imagine what was going through his mind at this point. My heart went out to him.

  To my surprise, my heart went out to her, as well.

  We made our way towards my apartment, to my dismay, in silence. I’m being dropped off first? Not a good sign. Not a good sign at all. Alexis was in the front seat, and I was in the back with the dogs. Not really sure how that was arranged, or how that happened. Of course, I didn’t speak up for myself. I really didn’t feel that I was in a position to do so. I had only known him for a week. Alexis was with him for at least two years, and they had, and lost, a child together.

  Ryan dropped me off. He opened the door, and I got out. Alexis was in the front seat, glaring at us both. He kissed me on the forehead. “I’m so sorry for this,” he whispered. “I’ll see you later.”

  At that, he got back into driver’s side, backed up the Escalade, and drove off.

  Chapter Nine

  Awkward parting was starting to become a pattern. As it turned out, the last awkward parting was my fault. This time, I knew that I did nothing wrong. I sighed. I was surprisingly not that upset. After all, the last time I left him, I assumed I would never see him again. I wasn’t going to jump to that conclusion this time. I did realize that I was on a roller coaster, but I preferred to stay on it for now and see it through.

  I hope he feels the same way.

  I half expected him to appear at my apartment again that night, after talking Alexis down off the ledge.

  However, that didn’t happen.

  He did, however, appear at my apartment the next day. “I was hoping you’d be home,” he said, as I let him in the door. “I’m so sorry for the drama. I’m also sorry that I keep dropping in on you.”

  That’s ok. The apartment’s clean this time. I had actually just gotten finished with my laundry – I couldn’t sleep the previous night because of what happened at the park, so I decided to be constructive and get my laundry done. All five loads of it. I ended up washing all the clothes which were thrown on the closet floor, and they were now hung up or put into drawers, depending on the type of clothes they were. I also was able to sort out my dry clean only clothes from the pile, and these were stuffed into a garbage bag. This garbage bag was by the door, so that I hopefully wouldn’t forget to take them to the cleaner’s the next time I was out and about.


  “Actually, that isn’t a problem,” I said, referring to him dropping in on me again.

  He looked relieved and surprised. “I can’t believe that you’re not infuriated after what happened last night.”

  “I could tell that Alexis was very emotional. I could also tell that you were in a bind.”

  He looked at me, then kissed me passionately. “You’re an amazing woman.”

  I smiled. “Thanks, you’re an amazing guy.”

  We went out onto my balcony, and sat down, my feet up on the wooden rail. I had prepared some iced tea. I was drinking way too much lately, and had to take a break.

  I looked at him, expectantly. He wasn’t saying anything, just staring straight ahead.

  “Uh, how do I say this to you….” He started to open his mouth to say something, thought better of it, then resumed to staring straight ahead.

  I started to feel worried. I naturally figured that whatever he was trying to say, it was not going to be good news for me. I immediately felt selfish for thinking this thought. He’s going through something terrible, it’s probably even worse than it looks, and I was only thinking of myself.

  But that wasn’t really true. My heart went out to him, as well. I was not yet in love with him, although I knew that I would get there if I let my guard down. However, at this point, with all the drama and the secrets, it was impossible to trust him completely.

  Staring at his glass of iced tea- it was an actual glass this time, I am proud to say - Ryan began with “I’ve known Alexis for a long time. Since middle school. We dated off and on in college. She was at Yale when I was at Harvard.” That surprised me. She didn’t really look like the academic type.

  “Go on.”

  “She and I…” He took a deep breath. “Well, let’s just say that I’ve not always been as, as, as….clean as I am now.” I furrowed my brow. The message was somewhat cryptic, and could mean any number of things. He was shaking. The ice was rattling in his glass. He also was playing with his thick hair, his dominant left hand running through his mane, again and again. He was not making eye contact at all.

  He took an enormous breath and went on. “Well, you know, there’s a lot of money in prep schools, and a lot of bored kids. Most of us were less supervised than we should have been. I was no exception.”

  Another deep breath. He went on, not looking at me. Then, he did look at me. “Um, Iris, I feel that I could have something really special with you. That’s why I’m here. I feel that I need to come clean with a few things about my past. If I didn’t see a future with you, I wouldn’t be here right now. It would just be so much easier just to pretend that last night didn’t happen, and it would be so much easier for me to walk away from you, as opposed to having to tell you these things.”

  Things? There’s more than one issue?

  “Um, Alexis and I…we were very much into…Oh, Christ, I need to just come out and say it. It’s a part of my past, it isn’t me now, it isn’t a big deal.” Huge breath. His visibly shaking hand once again smoothed his thick dark hair.

  Huge breath. “We were heroin addicts. There, I said it.”

  I nodded. “When?”

  “From age 17 until age 25. I kicked it with methadone. She still struggles.”

  So, he was a heroin addict until just 8 years ago. And he was an addict for 8 years.

  He looked at me, trying to gauge my reaction. Surprisingly, I had very little reaction. I guess because I felt that I had seen it all in my lifetime, and this really wasn’t a big deal.

  “You haven’t done this since you were 25?”

  He looked pained. “I, I, I, I….” Now he was shaking again. “I hhhadd a relapse, uh, last week.”

  I looked at him, not saying a word. He went on. Another huge breath. “I went to see her last week. She called me last Sunday, as you remember, before you woke up. Well, she called back, the next day, and told me that she had taken pills and she was waiting to die. So, I went straight over to her house.” He shook his head and continued. “I don’t know why I allow her to still manipulate me like that. Anyhow, she was actually fine.”

  I raised my eyebrow. This was getting interesting.

  “I was pissed. But she had some high grade stuff, laying out on her coffee table. She, she threatened me. She told me that she was going to go ahead with taking all the pills she had in her house if I left her that day. And she threatened me that she was going to do this if I didn’t shoot up with her.”

  “So you-“

  “I’m not proud of it.” He sighed. “The good news is, I seem to be well past the addiction. I had no desire to continue after that.”

  I chose to believe him about this.

  He went on. “Trust me, after all Alexis and I have been through, it has been tough on both of us to stay clean. She’s done it, just barely. She white-knuckles it, so she relapses all the time. I’ve completely kicked it, and I know now, more than ever, that I’ve no desire to go back to the way I was.”

  I made a face. “You still love this woman?”

  He looked perplexed. “No, why?”

  “I guess I just don’t know why you would sacrifice your sobriety for her games.”

  “I don’t really know, either. I guess I always believe her when she says that she’s on the edge. I wouldn’t want that on my conscience – that I could’ve helped her and didn’t.”

  “Yeah, but Ryan, there’s helping her, and then there’s intentionally self-destructing because she’s manipulating you.”

  He looked ashamed.

  I didn’t say anything more. The guy no doubt had beat himself up enough about it. I just hope that the drugs really are in the past.

  And there’s more, I know that there is. But the confession of his addiction seemed to take a lot out of him, and I could tell that there would be no more heart-wrenching admissions coming from him today.

  We sat in silence for awhile, drinking our iced tea. I didn’t tell him that I had Googled his father that morning. I couldn’t remember his father’s name, but when Alexis said the name “Benjamin” last night, it struck a chord. So, I Googled his father, using the search terms “CEO”, plus the name of the utility company, plus the years that Ryan had told me that his dad was active, and I found out that his name was Benjamin Whitney. I felt a little amused that, up until then, I didn’t know Ryan’s last name. I figured it probably was also Whitney, although I couldn’t be positive.

  As casually as possible, I said “Well, what’s past is past. I do, however, want you to be honest with me about this. If you ever feel that you are relapsing, please tell me. I’ll help you, I promise. I won’t judge you.”

  He looked grateful “You probably think that I am a basket case. Therapy, drugs, a crazy ex-wife.”

  And there’s more still, I know it. For one thing, there’s somebody named Nick. But what else?

  “Hey, we all have our cross to bear.”

  I knew that I was, once again, taking a risk by taking it all too lightly, but I wanted to move on to more serious concerns. Like what he was hiding from me. The drug thing was kind of bad, but, if I was to believe what he is telling me, it was pretty much in the past. So it wasn’t that big of a deal. But I sensed that there was another, larger, bombshell on the horizon. I just didn’t know how to get it out of him just yet.

  He smiled the wan, distracted smile I saw that one Sunday after the screaming match with Alexis. Now I knew Alexis was not only a gold-digger, but was also crazy.

  Yet, somehow, I was going to try to hold on to Ryan the best that I could.

  How to bring up the father? I have a feeling that the father had something to do with what Ryan is hiding from me. Casually, I said “I hope you don’t mind, but I was fascinated about what you told me the other night about your dad.”

  His face instantly changed. Panic, fear, anger all flashed through his eyes. I wondered why he didn’t have a hard time talking about him the other night. Come to think of it, he really didn’t say much about him, exce
pt that he was a retired CEO of Flash Utility, being active from 1975 to 2003, then left it at that.

  “What was fascinating about it?” His voice had a hard edge to it now. He sounded demanding, sarcastic.

  “Well, you didn’t tell me much. I, I, I’m trying to find out more about you.”

  “You don’t need to know about my father to find out more about me.”

  I suddenly felt that I was wrong to Google the man. But the morning when he was talking in his sleep, begging his father to stop something, made me want to find out more about Benjamin Whitney.

  “Well, I Googled him…”

  That was a mistake. I suddenly saw rage in Ryan’s eyes. Then he looked away.

  I went on “You know, it occurred to me, after looking up your dad, that I didn’t know your last name.”

  “You still don’t know my last name.” His voice was very hard-edged.

  I was getting somewhere. But at what price? “It isn’t Whitney?”

  “No. It’s Gallagher.”

  Time to drop it. But it was too late. Ryan was standing up, and backing out of the apartment. “Uh, thanks for the iced tea,” he said, opening the front door. “Uh, I’ll call you,” he mumbled.

  And he was gone.

  Chapter Ten

  After Ryan left, I was back on the couch. I didn’t feel as miserable as I did the last time. I was more confused. OK, so he and Alexis were drug addicts together. Big whoop. Rich kids doing drugs in a tony private school? That’s almost a cliché. That’s definitely not what he’s really worried about. Even if Alexis “went to the press” about that, who cares? Ryan is an unknown, except that he’s the son of a prominent businessman. Yeah,it’s kinda bad that he did drugs with her the other day, but, if he says that he doesn’t want to do it anymore, than I choose to believe him.

  I couldn’t concentrate. I gravitated towards the computer, mindlessly flipping through Yahoo stories about the world’s fattest dachshund, and what Lady Gaga was up to that week. Some relationship advice was also on the Yahoo front page, so I flipped to that. I even flipped to my Match account. Hmmm. Two different guys are hitting me up. I put that on the backburner, for the time being.